Umar was staring at me, wondering what it was that I had made my big decision about.
“Umar,” I said. “I don’t want kids.”
I spoke quickly so that I could get the sentence out as soon as possible.
Umar blinked at me a few times, then looked confused. Confusion quickly turned to anger as what I had said sunk in.
“What..?” He asked disbelievingly. “What d’you mean, Has? Are you for real or is this just an over-reaction to everything that’s happened? Because that, Haseena… What you just said… That’s ridiculous!”
I stuck my chin out stubbornly, staring him down.
“You don’t know what it’s like!” I exclaimed, almost in tears. “I can’t go through this again… I just can’t!”
“Haseena,” Umar said, coming forward. “Think rationally, babe, please. It’s not only your decision to make… Can we discuss this? Please?”
I shook my head, not wanting to be convinced otherwise.
Umar had his hand in his pocket, and was pacing the room, looking unsettled. He finally turned to face me, with a slight frown.
“Has, this is not the end,” he said. “We’re still young, we have time. People can’t even fall pregnant. Don’t talk like that.”
I had to tell him what was on my mind. I had to say it.
“But Umar,” I said softly. “What if it’s just not meant to be? What if we continue trying and it never happens? What if…”
I trailed off, hesitant about what his response would be to my next though.
“Umar,” I said. “What if one day you wake up and realise that I’m never going to be enough for you?”
Umar’s expression softened as he came toward the bed, sitting next to me. He held my hand in his, squeezing tightly for a second before he spoke.
“Haseena, I understand what you’re going through.”
Did he really? I didn’t think so. He wasn’t the one who had to deliver the baby. He didn’t have to carry a baby to almost full term, and then deliver it asleep. He wasn’t the one lying there, exhausted, hoping to hear the cry of her newborn son. Did he really know what it was like?
“But,” he continued. “Please understand that I married you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. So if that means that it will just be the two of us, in our comfortable little apartment, till we are old and grey, Insha Allah, I don’t mind. Even if you sometimes forget my name, or get fed-up of me, I’ll still love you. I will love you till we part, and that will only be with death, if Allah wills… So…”
He paused, giving me his handkerchief so I could wipe my sniffing nose.
“So Has,” he continued. “Don’t lose faith in Allah’s plan. Don’t be rash or ungrateful. It is going in exact accordance to what He had willed. There is nothing better than facing this test with patience for the short time that we are in this world… That might just be our much needed ticket to Jannah.”
I knew that there was a good reason for everything that happens. We had to believe that Allah (SWT) is the best of all planners, and therefore there is nothing we can do or redo, and no amount of guilt or worrying can change what has already occurred. Allah Ta’ala has already decreed what was meant.
“No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere it will never come your way but if it is yours by destiny from you it cannot flee.”
Umar Ibn al-Khattab (RA)
“Remember, Haseena, as people of ‘Alhumdullilah’, we need to take everything as a blessing. Nothing is a calamity… Only a means of gaining closeness to Allah. We should appreciate that we were blessed to have this child. We can now hold onto that gift of love in our heart for all our lives. Understand that he was only ever a loan to us, and we always have to be ready to give back whatever gifts Allah (SWT) blesses us with in hope of greater rewards. Imagine, knowing that they are in Jannah, the best of places, and that they will never suffer any hardship… What a great source of comfort!”
“Abu Hassaan said:
‘I said to Abu Hurayrah: Two of my sons have died. Can you narrate to me any hadith from the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) which will console us for our loss?
He said: Yes: Their little ones are the little ones (da’aamees) of Paradise. When one of them meets his father – or his parents – he takes hold of his garment – or his hand – as I am taking told of the hem of your garment, and he does not let go until Allah admits him and his father to Paradise’.”(Sahih Muslim)
“And I know, Has, that you need to grieve,” he continued, after pausing for a while. “Even our Nabi (SAW) had shed tears when his last son had passed away, saying that it was only in his human nature to do so. Imagine their Imaan. He witnessed the last breaths of his son, but completely submitted to the will of Allah. He thanked Allah thereafter. There was nothing more to do but accept what was meant…”
I nodded my head, obviously unable to imagine what it must have been like to see that happening. To be pleased with Allah’s will, feeling helpless, when the heart was stricken by grief.
“So the most important thing here to remember here is that though the heart may be grieving, what we say with the tongue must not in any way prove us to be ungrateful or displeased.”
I knew where Umar was going with this. I knew what he was trying to tell me, but my mind was already set on one track.
“What you’re saying, Has,” he explained. “Is that you don’t want to leave this is the hands of Allah Ta’ala. You want to change what can happen, because of what Allah had willed. When we say ‘Inna Lillahi wa Inna ilaihi Raji’oon’, we need to really believe that we are Allah Ta’ala’s property and will be returned to Him. No calamity is too great when we realise that, Has. With patience and even sadness, we must still accept it, without saying anything to displease our Lord.”
It was so easy when he said it. Like it would be so easy to attain that stage. But the nagging feeling was still there, at the back of my mind. He didn’t know what this was like. He didn’t know what I was going through.
“But Umar, I just don’t think I want to go through this-“
“Haseena,” he interrupted sternly. “I don’t know what you were thinking of, but I’ll never accept that decision. I feel as hurt as you do, but whatever is in store for us is in Allah’s hands. Women are crying over not having kids. I’ve told you how the mothers in the Middle East would cling to their dead children who they couldn’t save. It was the worst thing to ever envision. Their pain was nothing less than yours, but they had faith. They had to make choices that you’ve never imagined. They didn’t give up and make decisions that interfere with Allah’s plan.”
His tone was stern, and I immediately felt guilty.
I knew that. But I couldn’t help that feeling that I was getting. I knew I would only be settled when I got some closure, and in my mind, this was the way. He had seen this before… Been through it all. Now he expected me to just accept it like he did.
I was about to start speaking again, but my sentence was left hanging as Shazia walked into the ward.
She greeted me while Umar sat on the side of the room, so she could check on my stitches. It was a bit weird having her to see to me, but my doctor would only be here later. I appreciated the extra care.
“You can go home today,” she said, looking up at me.
“Really?” I asked, a bit surprised.
I wasn’t sure what they usually did in these cases. I just didn’t expect them to discharge me so soon. Frankly, I wasn’t sure if I was ready.
I just nodded my head, while we spoke about what I needed to do when I got home. I felt bad that they hadn’t even been on a proper honeymoon as yet, but she assured me they were leaving at the end of the week. I thanked her before she finally went to finish her rounds, and lay back, feeling a bit uneasy.
“You want me to pack your stuff?” Umar asked, opening the cupboard doors. Our previous argument was forgotten for now, whilst I thought about going home.
I nodded my head.
“I’m coming home with you,” I said to Umar.
He looked confused.
“But why? You need to recover, babe. You rather go to your mums.”
I shook my head, determined not to go there. I just wanted to go back to normal. I didn’t want everyone fussing over me, especially since there was no baby to worry about.
Umar came forward and sat down next to me again.
“Has, why?” he asked, looking me in the eye. “Is everything okay? Like… At home? I noticed Laila didn’t come yesterday…”
I shrugged my shoulders, not sure about what to say about Laila. I didn’t want Umar to know what Laila had probably been up to. I didn’t know any of the details, but that Zafer guy just made me wary.
“Has,” Umar said, peering at me. “I can see you’re hiding something.”
I sighed, deciding to brief him about what had happened. I wasn’t going to give him any details, but I knew he wouldn’t let it go.
“So that’s why she turned Yusuf down,” I said to him, while he ran his hand through his hair under his hat, and nodded.
“Leave her, Has,” he said. “It’s her life, and her choice. Hope he’s a good guy. You say he’s coming home, so we’ll suss him out then huh..?”
He winked at me, a little amused by the whole thing. He didn’t know how she had met him. He didn’t even know who he was.
As if reading my thoughts, he asked casually.
“What’s his name, by the way? Do we know him?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. “You know everyone here in this farm town is connected in some way.”
“Actually,” I replied. “His name is Zafer. You probably don’t know… You know Tasneem’s-“
He turned to look at me sharply from where he stood, his expression completely changed.
“Zafer?! Tasneem’s bru-in-law?”
“Err.. Jhee.. You know him?” I asked, surprised.
“Eish… Hell!” He said emphatically. He fiddled with his beard, looking worried. “Sorry… But she doesn’t know what’s coming her way.”
“Umar, don’t judge the guy,” I said, trying to be fair. Maybe he wasn’t that bad after all. We were just judging him by the family he came from.
“Has, I’m not kidding… That guy is bad news.”
“How do you know?!”
Umar took a deep breath, sitting down again, looking at me hesitantly. He finally spoke, probably unable to be silent any longer.
“Haseena,” he said slowly. “He’s the guy that shot me.”
Author’s Note: Apologies for delays. Insha Allah, the next Sunnah we will be implementing is also to do with eating. A Du’aa that our Nabi (SAW) used to recite so we would not have to account for the food we would eat.
Alhumdulilllah, this Du’aa was a practise of our Nabi (SAW), and to implement will earn great rewards, Insha Allah.
لْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ الَّذِي هُوَ أَشْبَعَنَا وَأَرْوَانَا وَأَنْعَمَ عَلَيْنَا وَأَفْضَلَ
Allhamdulillah hillathee huwa ashba’ naa wa arwa’ naa wa an’ama alaynaa wa afdhal.
All praise belongs to Allah Who through His Mercy, made us to eat our fill, and as a great favour bestowed on us plentifully. (Dhurre Manthur)
Also in Fadhaail-e-Sadaqaat, page 339
Reminder for Mission Sunnah Revival. We hope that everyone is trying to implement, Insha Allah.
#ReciteQur’anDaily – at least a quarter
N.B. There might not be a post tomorrow. Apologies in advance,